I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
