thus making me awesome and them whores
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
