Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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