Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
