Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
