oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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