while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
