it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
