I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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