I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
