you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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