Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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