you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize