She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
