mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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