You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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