So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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