they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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