By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
