my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
