maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
