How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
