Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
