4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
