He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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