My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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