Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
