Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
