were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
