Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
