spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize