I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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