i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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