Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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