So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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