1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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