God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
