I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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