I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
