remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize