We're facebook friends in real life
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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