I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
