Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
