You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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