Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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