Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
