Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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