nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
