if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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