I could make wine with my vomit
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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