I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize