I looked at my own cervix.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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