I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
