I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
