3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
