Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
