And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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